Because It's Cold Outside
by Savva
Summary: Somehow, people always assumed that Severus couldn't have any plans. For once, however, he fucking had. AU. Severus Snape/Pansy Parkinson, Lucius Malfoy/Hermione Granger. Humour.


**Title:** Because It's Cold Outside  
 **Author: Savva**  
 **Recipient:** dreamy dragon73  
 **Rating:** R  
 **Word Count:** ~2800  
 **Pairings:** Severus Snape/Pansy Parkinson, Lucius Malfoy/Hermione Granger  
 **Summary:** Somehow, people always, _always_ assumed that Severus couldn't have any plans. For once, however, he fucking had.  
 **Warnings:** AU, explicit innuendoes and sexual situations, swearing  
 **Disclaimer:** All recognizable characters belong to JK Rowling and associates. No copyright infringement intended.  
 **Author's Notes:** Enormous thanks to my wonderful beta _AL_ and to mods for organising this fest.

 ** _Because It's Cold Outside_**

The night was cold and tempestuous. Heavy snow fell from the sky, and stormy gusts assaulted the castle ferociously, as if trying to get inside and attack its inhabitants. Not everything was merry inside the castle either, and not everyone felt nice on this Christmas night.

...

"Shite," swore Severus.

The empty classroom was unpleasantly draughty, and he could hear the wind howling outside. Evidently, Mother Nature had decided that the night before Christmas was the right time for throwing a tantrum. Oh well, there was nothing he could do about it, and normally, he didn't even care about the weather. However, today's snowstorm played an unfortunate role in the fact that Lucius had been occupying Severus' quarters (and his sofa) for the last four hours. It was _his_ continuous whining that had forced Severus to take cover in his classroom, even though he had no business to be here whatsoever.

Stretching his legs, Severus pulled the sides of his cloak together and muttered, "Shite," again, thinking with longing about his comfy living room, warm fireplace, and a big bottle of Firewhisky. Unfortunately, all that was currently off limits because of the annoying blond. For a moment, Severus considered the possibility of summoning the bottle to him, but decided against it in fear that Lucius might follow, and he truly couldn't take the risk. It wasn't that Severus didn't care about his friend. He did, of course. Preferably from afar, as it was practically impossible to endure Lucius' wallowing in self-pity for as much as four minutes, let alone for four hours.

To be fair, Lucius did have a reason to whine. Severus knew better than anyone that it wasn't enjoyable to be left alone and unwanted on Christmas, and that was just what had happened with his friend. Ever since Narcissa had divorced him, the atmosphere in the Manor had become unbearable. The witch had refused to leave the Malfoy family home after their divorce had been finalized. She had made it clear that she wouldn't go anywhere, at least not until Lucius would find her a suitable alternative, which had turned out to be rather difficult to achieve. Pansy Parkinson, the best-known estate agent around, had not been able to find something that would both fulfil Narcissa's expectations and accord with Lucius's budget. Severus had an inkling that the task was virtually impossible to complete even for almighty Pansy, though the stubborn witch had yet to confess her failure.

Meanwhile, the Manor was divided into two parts, and Narcissa surprised everyone (Severus included) by not being too shy about receiving visitors, male visitors to be exact, which made the already bad situation significantly worse … for Lucius. So, when Lucius found himself facing the dubious pleasure of spending Christmas in the same house with Narcissa and her new love interest, the wizard chose to flee to Hogwarts and spend it with Severus. The only hiccup in his genius plan was the fact that Severus actually had had his own plans for this particular evening and, with Merlin's help, for the night as well.

Alas, it was impossible to get rid of Lucius. The blond claimed that he was unable to leave, since the storm had messed up the Floo, and Apparition in that kind of weather would be too dangerous. It was nonsense, and they both knew that. Eventually, when Severus was ready to hex him, Lucius drew a dramatic sigh and said, "Well, if it is so crucial for you, I may attempt to reach Hogsmeade on foot and stay at the Hog's Head. Though it is rather cold outside, and my hip has been bothering me of late." He made an attempt to stand up, theatrically grunting and softly muttering, "I understand that I deserve to be alone, and the fact that I brought you to 's after that beastly snake had bitten you doesn't oblige you to spend time with me …"

That was the moment when Severus fled, growling through his clenched teeth, "Merlin help me," and noticing from the corner of his eye a satisfied smile on Lucius' face, as he flopped back on the sofa. Git!

It was a miracle that he hadn't killed him, and perhaps next time he would; that bloody life-debt be damned. For now, however, the fact remained: Severus' sofa was occupied by the blond bastard, and probably was going to be under siege until tomorrow morning, if not longer. To think of it, Lucius' behaviour wasn't all that surprising. Somehow, people always, _always_ assumed that Severus couldn't have any plans. For once, however, he fucking had.

Speaking of plans… The sound of hurrying footsteps reached Severus' ears. Moments later, the classroom door opened, and Pansy Parkinson appeared. Dressed in a gown of emerald-green silk, she leaned against the doorframe, obviously posing for him. With a sultry smile, she slowly licked her crimson lips and arched her back, affording Severus the perfect view of her enticingly curvy silhouette. Then, moving with the grace of a panther, she quickly covered the distance between them, clasped his face between her palms, and kissed him. Her lipstick tasted like strawberries, and her skilful mouth drew away his annoyance. His hands found her legs, and he savoured their smoothness as his fingertips slowly ran up and down her stocking-clad calves.

Slowly ending the kiss, the witch playfully nipped at his lips, and then drawled in her breathy, smoky voice, "Good evening, Professor." Stepping back and precariously perching herself on the edge of his desk, she gazed at him, her dark brown eyes gleaming in the flicker of the candlelight. "How are you?"

Suddenly feeling hot and forgetting all about the cold draught in the classroom, Severus hastily unfastened the top button of his shirt and swallowed before answering her. "You know exactly, how I am, witch. I'm sure you've seen Lucius already."

Pansy grimaced and nodded. "Yep. What is he doing there, on your sofa? And why are you hiding here?"

Severus let out an annoyed huff and growled, "First, I'm not hiding. I'm just … taking a break. Second, he is there because … it's fucking cold outside. That's why."

"I see." The witch narrowed her eyes, stared at him for a moment, and said, "But I have plans for this evening, and those plans require your quarters be Lucius-free. Also, I have specific things in mind which involve your sofa." She slowly unbuttoned her dress, giving Severus an opportunity to peek at her black lacy corset, and added, "Very special … naughty things."

Severus' throat turned dry, and he rasped, "Minx." Grasping her wrist, he pulled the witch on his lap. "Hmm, let's see: what kind of sorcery do we have here?"

Pansy wrapped her arm around his neck and arched, letting him feast on her breasts conveniently pushed up by the corset. Severus dipped his tongue between the fleshy mounds, and she moaned. Her wicked fingers found his hair, and she breathed out, "Can't you get rid of him somehow?" accompanying her question by a sharp tug.

"Ugh! Stop it, witch!" he growled, pinching her smooth buttock as a punishment. "I tried. It's bloody impossible. Perhaps we'd better go to your place tonight."

Pansy straightened up and peered at him. "No. I told you I want to spend the night here. Plus, I want to go to the party. I want to dance. Look at my dress." She jumped from his lap and spun around. The full skirt of her dress flew up, showing off her shapely legs and black stockings. Watching her twirl in front of him, he had to admit to himself that she did indeed look _agreeable_ tonight. In fact, if his physical reaction to her was anything to go by, she looked positively delectable.

Alas, the next second, Pansy abruptly stopped and exclaimed, "Oh, I think I have an idea. We will ask Lucius to take Granger to the party."

Severus, who meanwhile futilely tried to get his apparent arousal under control, began to laugh. "You must be out of your little mind. Miss Granger would never agree to that. I'm not even sure that she needs men at all."

"Of course, she does. I know for sure that she is not as prudish as you think she is. In fact, she has a thing for older men."

Surprised, Severus stopped laughing. "And how on Earth, may I ask, did you learn that piece of trivia about Professor Granger?"

"Easy. Unlike you, my dear Professor, I actually talk to people. Also, Lucius is still quite handsome."

"Is he now?" Severus frowned.

It was Pansy's turn to laugh now. "Aww, is my Professor jealous? Don't be, my darling. I'm not nearly done with you, and besides, I prefer _dark_ , tall and handsome." She wiggled her eyebrows and sauntered closer to him.

Severus caught her hand and sharply yanked her towards him, forcing her land on his lap again. "I think you talk too much, witch. Perhaps, a bit of spanking is in order," he whispered into her ear, nibbling on her earlobe.

The witch deliberately wiggled her arse over his protruded trousers. "Oh, yes, Professor, please … later tonight. Now, please, talk to Lucius, while I have a word with Hermione." She sprang up, turned on her heel and disappeared in the darkness of the corridor, leaving him cold, lonely and painfully aroused.

When the sound of her steps faded somewhere in the depths of Hogwarts' corridors, Severus rose, groused, "Shite," for the third time and headed back to his quarters. Even though he was almost sure that Pansy's scheme wouldn't work, he was going to try anyway, since he too had a few fantasies to fulfil on that Christmas night at Hogwarts.

 ** _Thirty Minutes Later_**

With a sour face and inwardly cursing Pansy and her horrible idea, Severus watched as his blond friend nervously paced the floor for the last fifteen minutes.

"Don't you suppose I'm a bit old for her?" Lucius asked without interrupting his incessant trotting.

"You've asked me that question six times now, Lucius. I've answered it five times, and, against my better judgment, I'll answer again – it's not for me to decide. However, if you feel partial to Miss Granger, you'll lose nothing by trying." Severus wasn't even trying to sound civil. He was truly fed up with all this nonsense. The only point in favour of the situation was that he had been reunited with his bottle of Firewhisky, though he had a feeling that if the evening continued to grate on his nerves, one bottle wouldn't be enough.

"Yes, but she is only twenty-eight, and I'm– "

"Salazar, help me," Severus muttered and, exasperated, threw his hands in the air.

As if in an answer to his plea, the door flew open, and Pansy enthusiastically marched inside, almost colliding with Lucius in the process. Halting right in front of the blond, she gave the wizard a slow one-over and said, "Hello again, Mr Malfoy. Are you ready?"

Obviously displeased with the way the witch was staring at him, Lucius straightened his shoulders and replied haughtily, "Ready for what, may I ask? I don't remember asking you for any favours today, Miss Parkinson. Or perhaps you've finally managed to find a suitable house for Narcissa, because, at this point, I've begun to lose faith in you."

Pansy laughed, and the bells of her laughter reverberated through Severus' quarters. "No, my dear Mr Malfoy, it's much better than a house for your ex-wife. I've found you a date for tonight. Professor Granger has kindly agreed to allow you to accompany her to the Christmas party. She awaits you in her quarters."

The news wiped out all the haughtiness from Lucius' face. "She agreed," he muttered and sank on the sofa.

Unable, and obviously unwilling to hide her smugness, Pansy said, in a sing-song, "Told you it was much better than the house for Narcissa."

Lucius drew a long sigh. "But she is so much younger than I." He looked up, and shifting his gaze between Pansy and Severus, added, "I'm not sure that it is right. Perhaps, I shall pass this ..."

Severus, who until that moment quietly watched them, grumbled, "Here we go again," and took a huge swig of his drink.

Pansy narrowed her eyes at the blond wizard. "Well, in this case, you will have to go with us. Sevvie and I are going to dress up as Santa's little helpers."

"Sevvie?!" Severus and Lucius exclaimed simultaneously.

The witch gave them a saccharine smile and continued, "Yes, Sevvie darling, I think we can easily procure another pare of green stockings for Lucy. She discreetly winked at Severus. "Right, darling?"

Severus arched an eyebrow at the naughty witch and murmured, "Absolutely." Turning to his friend, he asked, his face unreadable, "So, what shade of green do you prefer … Lucy?"

For a few long moments, Lucius carefully observed the wizard and the witch in front of him. Eventually deciding that they both were serious, he hastily stood up and sprinted to the door. "I'll see you at the party," he threw over his shoulder, and ran out of the room.

As the door closed behind him, Severus looked at the smug-looking witch and said, "Sevvie?"

She chuckled. "Yep."

"Was it really necessary?"

"Well, it worked, didn't it?"

Severus smirked, sat down on the sofa and patted his lap. "Come here, you insolent witch."

Pansy glanced at the clock and said, "I guess we have enough time for a quickie," and before he could even blink, her crimson lips were wrapped around his cock.

 ** _One Hour Later_**

Revolving with Pansy on the dance floor, Severus thought that this year's party wasn't as dreadful as usual, perhaps because it was the first time he had a date. He also looked forward to the rest of the night, which made his mood even better. Also, if Miss Granger's laughter and Lucius' content smile were any indications, Severus' sofa and quarters were going to be Lucius-free tonight. True, he suspected that Lucius' visits to Hogwarts would become much more frequent, but he was all right with that. After that quickie, he felt rather generous.

"Huh, they sneaked away." Pansy's whisper interrupted his pleasant thoughts. He glanced to where the happy couple had been dancing a minute ago. Pansy was right, of course. They did slip away, and in a very Slytherin manner, he had to admit.

"Come on," Pansy tugged his sleeve. "Let's follow them."

"Where are you dragging me, you crazy girl?"

Pansy turned to him and put a finger to her lips. "Shhh. Stop talking or you'll frighten them away."

Severus shook his head. He couldn't believe that he was doing something as childish as that, and yet there he was, doing it. Soon, they were at Miss Granger's door, and they could clearly hear her muffled giggles and Lucius' low murmurs. Taking off her shoes, Pansy crept closer and put her ear to the door.

"What are you doing?" Severus demanded in a furious whisper.

The witch shushed and beckoned him to join her. Severus shook his head, whispering, "No, thank you."

She shrugged and continued to eavesdrop. "Ohh," she breathed out excitedly, "I think they're doing it. Come on, have a listen."

Feeling awkward, Severus had to admit that the sounds that streamed from Miss Granger's quarters were strangely arousing. In the end, unable to fight himself any longer, he stepped closer to Pansy and, pressing her to the wooden surface of the door, ground his erection against her thigh. The wicked witch smirked and covered his crotch with the palm of her hand.

"I think now you definitely deserve your spanking, you naughty, naughty girl," he rasped into her ear, squeezing her buttocks and forcing a soft moan from her.

"Mmm, promises, promises," she purred.

Severus pressed her to his chest, said, "Just you wait, little witch. Just you wait. You'll be lucky if you'll be able to walk tomorrow, let alone sit," and Apparated them to his now definitely Lucius-free quarters.

...

It was still cold outside, and the storm still raged around the castle. Inside, however, fireplaces were kindled, candles were lit, and two unlikely pairs were enthusiastically fulfilling their Christmas fantasies. All was merry in Hogwarts.

 ** _Fin_**


End file.
